Shards of Ennui

2007-04-22T11:15:00.001+10:00

this is a test coz of fucken new blogger

2007-04-11T15:28:00.000+10:00

yeh i kno its been like ages. year ten sucks so bad. but im gonna try and do a monthly update on the 13th of every month, not counting now. or around that date anyway, like depending on how i can get acses to a computer or not and stuff.

harleys saying how he wants to change schools which sucks. and alyson wanted to go vegan but her parents wouldnt let her. she was really bummed about it and says shes gonna still try and do it in secret. heres a poem i wrote about that.

oh yeh but before i put the poem on, every month i think ill put up the best poem i wrote. sometimes i only write one poem in a month other times i write like five or twelve or something it depends on what speaks to me.

the enforcers

they tell you what to do
they tell you where to go
they tell you how to act
but do they really even know?

they tell you not to smoke
they tell you not to drink
they tell you not to do drugs
and try to tell you how to think

like a flower you grow
they keep you in their greenhouse
but theres no need for the gardeners
to keep heaping fertilizer upon your house

whatever you do
whatever you say
however you act
its not good enough for they

but your still like that flower
trapped in they're nest
and yet all we hear
is 'father knows best'.

yeah im pretty proud of it, i think im gonna submit it for the english prize in a few weeks. alyson wrote it out in red pen in her diary. i put the first copy (after i wrote it out agin) on my wall.

2007-01-06T09:23:00.000+11:00

well my birthday and new years sucked as usual. but im 16 now so i guess thats cool.

i dont know if i told you but my bithdays on dec 25. mum always makes me a birthday cake to have with christmas lunch and then everyone complains about how singing happy birthday isnt christmassy. like i can help when i was born. like i can help anything.

but it got me thinking abuot jesus and stuff. like, im not sure if i beleve in god or not but jesus probably existed. and he would have gone through the same stuff because alyson told me that theres a pagan festival that used to be celebrated on his birthday, like, before he was famous.

i started thinking about other paralels with me and jesus, and i wrote this poem on christmas night, because i didn't get a ipod or a wii:

one born in a stable
one born unstable

the mangers animals looking over one
the sheep of sosciety looking over t'other

both escewed from the community
for being different

both hated and revelied
for being different

but both still authentic
dont want to conform

his water into wine
is my art

my real father is the lord, he said
but i also have a stepdad on earth

keith is no joseph
a truck driver not a carpenter

and my real dad
like god
doesn't
care
about
us.

2006-12-15T08:57:00.000+11:00

oh my god what a fucken cop out.

my birthday is on christmas day, yeah i know it sucks. i dont know if i told you but mum used to tell me that i was the best birthday present she ever got but then afew years ago she got a juicer so she doesn't say that anymore.

so anyway every year they want to combine my birthday present and christmas presentso i get somethign a little bit bigger than my brothers presents. but it still doesnt add up to two different sets of presents. it fucken sucks theres nothing worse. birthdays fucken suck.

so this year ill be 16, big woop. i just cant wait until im 18, then ill be happy. ill be able to vote and buy smokes and go to overage concerts and legally drink and stuff. at least when i turn 16 i can get my liscence. that'll be good.

schools finishing up so thats good. yesterday was the last day so afterwards alyson and harley and me went to greensborough plaza to hang out. we went to planet 13, since thats like the best shop in the world, maybe even better than dangerfield.

i wanted to have harley and alyson over for my birthday, but their parents said they had family stuff all day and then my stepdad said well why don't you just celarbrate your bday a month later and i said 'um, im SORRY, was i BORN on the 25 of January? NO I WASNT, why do you want me to live a lie?!' he just doesnt et how important it is to be authentic.

2006-10-24T09:22:00.000+10:00

i took the day off today because i said i was sick. but i just couldnt handel it today, you know? like a mental health break.

so i went to harleys coz he said he was sick too. hes just going to check if his parents have any open bottles in there bar so we can bottleskim. it's a really good way of getting drunk: like what you do, is fill a mt franklin bottle with little bits of every opened bottle. it makes a pretty powerful concosion.

so we're gonna get drunk and watch his dads old video of bargarse and LAUGH OUR ASSES OFF. then maybe go to pizza hut for all you can eat. but ive gotta be home at three to play it safe because my stepdad comes home at around 3.30 4, coz he goes to work at like, 5.

they have some vegetarian stuff at pizza hut so its ok. and lots of deserts. but if they dont have vegetarian pizza availible at the all you can eat bit then you can ask for it and they HAVE to supply it coz otherwise its descrimination and you can get a free meal voucher! it happened to alyson's cousin whos in year 12 and trying to get into law, shes really really intellegent.

anyway i gotta go coz harleys back and he has about three quaters of a water bottle full of this dark red kinda mix. it looks pretty cool. its gonna be a fun day i guess.

2006-10-10T08:41:00.000+10:00

well im back at school again. everythings the same except alyson got her hair cut and its kind of short but she got paroxcide on one side and black on the other and it looked awesome but then the principal saw and the year 9 cordinater had a talk with her and now she needs to dye it back.

but the joke's on her, because alyson's mum already said she could only have it for like one day of school and then she'd have to dye it back to regular colour anyway, that was the deal when she did it, so HAH.

this is just another case of repression, but it doesn't matter coz this term is the last one and then theres a bog holiday, and everyday brings us closer to the end of school and repression and rules. i cant wait for uni.

break the mold

everyone the same, so you try to change
change brings demands for you to be the same
the same brings boredom
depression
the machine of school tries to churn out clones
one by
one by
one by
one.
and any spark of creativity
any spark of difference
individuality
is squashed under the heel
of the foreman
of the factory
of highschool.
It'll be all over one day
and we can finally break the mold.

i gave this poem to alyson and she said she liked it, because its excactly the type of thing shes feeling

2006-09-27T14:25:00.000+10:00

school holidays sux. theres like nothing to do. my stepdad said we should go to the show as a family and i said THATS SO LAME and he said but you like animals, they have some there you can see and i said yeah but there in cages and its cruel. and then i tried to make him feel guilty by saying we cant go as a family because my looser sister isnt here (shes in queensland, she went to live with our grandmother but now i think shes by herself or living at her friend tanyas house. i dunno. mum talks to her a bit but i hardly ever do)

so anyway. sunny day real estate is pretty much my favorite band at the moment. and i love the name, too, its so ironicly full of hope yet, like, consumerism and stuff.

anyway heres a poem i wrote for school holidays. it only took me like an hour but im pretty proud of it. i dont know.

THE FOUR WALLS OF MY BOREDOM
wall one is fatige
so tired yet all i do is sleep
the dreams come, all gray
like the ashes in my heart.

wall two is containment
i am a prisoner here
unable to go out and be free
the entrapment of youth.

wall three is sosiety
one that has no freedom
no creative acceptance
no room for anyone different.

wall four is the everyday
because its like this
everyday.

2006-09-08T10:20:00.000+10:00

oh man, today we had a sausage sizzle fundraiser at school for amnisty international and kids in africa.

i lined up to see if they had coldslaw because im vegatarian but they only had saussages. i asked the chick (some year seven) and she said they only had meat and i said well thats not fair and she said well cant you just buy it and throw it out because then we can get more money for the kids and im like DONT THROW OUT FOOD, THE THING IS FOR STARVING CHILDEREN IN AFRICA, and i couldnt help it i just started crying. it was just, like, too ironic, too real.

and the year 7 went to get the president of amnisty whos this really popular year 12 chick and she said 'why are crying? just donate sme money then, i don't understand' and i said I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND, and threw a two dollar coin into the bucket and walked off.

but then i remembered that i needed that $2 for lunch and when i got back to where harley and alyson were haivng lunch i couldn't even scab off them because they had both finished lunch and didnt have any money.

so then i was so hungary for period 6 and 7 after lunch, which was english then history. thru english i kept getting hungar pangs but then during history it was unbearable. so i went to the sick bay and lied down for the last part of the day, then i went home and ate almost the whole block of cheese. my stepdad will be pissed but i dont care.

2006-08-24T23:27:00.000+10:00

so now ive got that out of the way i can reply to comments again without sounding like a broken record!

faith and ruby - thank you both so much for your kind coments. you guys rule! you really made my day, its good to see some people who really, like, get me, you know?

FAQs and Retorts

2006-08-24T23:16:00.000+10:00

ok so i get a lot of hate on this blog. i love getting comments from people, and i do read every one and concider them thoughtfully, except for the ones that just try to be hurtful. i mean, whatever, man. if you feel you need to dis a fifteen year old on the internet to vindacate your own sence of self, fine tough guy, good for you.

but sometimes thru misonformation people make assumptions. its fair enough. but im hear to correct them.

1. keith is not my dad. he is my stepdad. he moved in about two years ago and i had no say over it. he is a total asshole. i know it could be worse, like, he teases me and stuff but he doesnt beat me up or hurt me physically, just emotionally. but it still sucks, and again, he moved in to my house and i had no say over it.

2. i cant get a job. my mum doesnt make a lot of money, and thats not her fault, but it means i only get $10 a week pocket money. i'm not allowed to get a job until i finish highschool, coz apparently thats my priority at the moment. it sucks. and i cant just get one on the sly, because i cant get a lift to/from, and open up a bank account, and stuff, without my mums permission. i mean, im not allowed to go out on a school night as it is, but even on weekends she wants to know where im going. and i get grounded to often.

3. if you like my poetry and how i sound, that's cool, but im not giving you my number. i mean, do you think im like stupid? because i know there are people out there who say they have been touched by my poetry and that's really awesome. and i am single and looking to meet girls. but you email me your number and ill get back to you. for one, i dont have a mobile phone, and for two, if i give someone my number, how do i know there not just pretending to like me? like i said, i get a lot of hate on this site. but if your in the greensborough area get back to me.

4. i am not a fag. just because im not a cookie cutter jock asshole doenst mean im gay.

5. i dont care what people on the internet say about me. if your not going to offer constructive criticicm, then dont bother.

6. i dont have the internet at home, so i can usually check comments via email once a week or maybe twice, but i can't post ofen. i will try to post more in the future, but yeah, it gets hard sometimes, because i have to wait until im somewhere (NOT at school) with internet.

7. i know i sometimes have problems with spelling and stuff, i'm 15, so i guess that's normal. so just deal with that. language is fluid, and stuff.

8. My sister skeetz moved interstate to live with our aunty, but then she left. She is tanyawah's friend. their loosers.

9. when people say im a parady it hurts my feelings, but only momentarily. i mean, im tryin to be as honest and authentic as posible, but if people say im fake or a satire i figure its just their own small mindedness and lack of worldliness being reflected.

10. there was something else, but i forgot it.

2006-08-01T12:08:00.000+10:00

ive got a cold. it sucks. my mum says its because i never cover up when i go out but i totally do - in winter i always wear fingerless gloves and a scarf with my teeshirt or hoodie, and black skinny-leg jeans. but now im sick and feeling gross. at least i get the day off school, but knowing my luck the pe teacher will die or something and ill miss it. or like some dumb jock will come out or something and ill be sitting here sleepign and not get to say HAHA YOU CALLED ME A FAG NOW I KNOW WHY YOU ASSHOLE!!!! yeah thatd be cool.

so anyway I was reading this blog the other day when i was at alysons and i found the most amazin poem:

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

don't you love it? like, i mean, it's not biased, its saying that yeah parents suck, but they were fucked up by there own parents so in a way its not there fault. and it adds a solution, which is to not have kids. i know i wouldnt want to bring a child in to this world, and we are overpopulated anyway.

harley was saying that when he was in year 8 and at his uncles farm he wanted to go sit on a barbed wire fense so it would make him sterile so he wouldnt have to brng a child up in this fucked up sosiety. but he didnt have the guts to in the end because it would hurt so much, and not just, like, in a cutting yourself way, because sometimes you need that relese, but in a much worse way.

so anyway. im sick, it sucks. i was thinking of doing an faq section of the blog next time im at a house with internet acess (im at alysons place at the moment, she and harley took the day off too so were all here. we were going to drink some stuff from alysons parents bar, but im sick so i might not but maybe i will, i dont know)

but anyway, i better go because the movie were watching (napolon dynomite) is finishing and we're gonna walk up to the pizza hut and get lunch. then i have to be back home by three so my little brother sees me when he gets home and if my mum gets home early she wont be suspitious.

2006-07-06T12:41:00.000+10:00

first week back at achool has sucked. its just the same shit. except instead of geography this semester we're doing history. you can choose what you want to do for your group assignment, and luckily me and alyson and harley are all in the same class.

alysons pagan, so we're going to do something about whichcraft and the prossecusion of women who were burnt at the steak. alyson thinks that if we do whichcraft from a femenist perspective we'll get a good mark.

most people are doing wars. thats because most people at our school are violent dicks.

but anyway, she said that i could include a poem at the end about whiches because im the best poet. and harley knows a bit of guitar, so maybe we'll make it a song so that we can sing it in our class perentation.

anyway, im still working on it. here it is.

which

they say you are a whitch
an evil unholy bitch
they persecute you
dont know what you do

your just not the same as them
all the asshole dickhead men
they're wives like there slaves
no, your different, your brave

you live alone in solitude
other townfolk think thats rude
but its nature that you truly love
not some figmant from 'heaven above'

so that's why they'll try
to burn you, you will die
all because you're not like them
all the asshole dickhead men

alyson and harley and i have intellectual discussions, which is why we're such good friends. we were talking about whichcraft, and how we are luckier now.

i mean sure we still have people judge us for being different, but at the same time alysn can wear her magikal pentagram around her neck at school and not get killed.

well, the year 9 coodinater makes her tuck it into her school shirt coz no jewlry is allwed, but still its better than dying and stuff.

2006-06-22T22:54:00.000+10:00

school holidays rules. even when theres like nothing to do and its kind of boring its better than school.

5 bad things about holidays
1. theres nothing good on tv
2. you can't really do much coz you dont have a liscence or id
3. when you hang out at the plaza sometimes there are jock dicks there going to the movies
4. when you dont have the internet at home it gets a bit boring
5. homework

5 bad things about school
1. asshole jocks!!!!
2. asshole teachers who want to stiffle your creativity and make you just another sheep in the heard
3. homework
4. getting up early!!!
5. just having to do the same thing every day

so yeah having said that, id much rather holidays.

my step dad is such an asshole. he's never even LIKED soccer before but now he's all obsessed and always hogs the tv it sucks. i wish i had a tv in my brother and my room, because then we could have our own space and stuff.

2006-06-15T11:07:00.000+10:00

l'haine

hate like a cancer
contagious, growing
the internet a web like a spider weaves
negativity is trapped in it and grows
like a cancer
a tumour of anger
the masks people hide behind
as they pass judgment upon others
it doesnt hide their patheticness
it doesnt hide their emptyiness
their hate is just a reflection of a god they never knew
a reflection of pieces of them self
meanwhile the cancer grows
more people become enfected
and it
just
keeps
growing.

I tried to space it out so it was a visual poem and it looked like a web, but it didn't work.
(the title is french for hate. i learned it when i did french last year)

2006-06-15T10:56:00.000+10:00

there is so much hate out there.

like here i am with a blog. everyone has one (well heeps of people do anyway). i write on it to vent about my stepdad, teachers and other shit. i do it and it makes me feel better. i write poetry and show it here coz its deeply personnel and i dont want to show anyone i know irl.

i dont solicitate coments, i dont go on other peoples sites and whore my blog out, so i dont know how people find me. its just, like, my own corner of the internet for me to sit and think about things.

but then i get these annonymous cowards spinning the same, pridictable shit ive already heard a million times. oooh, bullying a 15 year old guy, how fucking mature. and hiding behind an anonymous name, even better. cocks.

and i love how they constantly misinterpret me, to. like this one guy was all sherlock because 'oooh, tanyawah's in brisbane, and you're in melbourne! i call bullshit!' well, looser, if you read one of my first posts, youd know that my sister moved up to qld a little bit after keith moved in, coz he's a fucking dick. keith is my step dad, not my real dad.

and yeah, i cry to songs i find beautiful. so im in touch with my emotions and i have a heightened sence of beauty. kill me.

im such a fag because im not a cookie cutter jock. well, if i could be a fag that still makes out with girls then id be a fag, haha!

so in conclution, i have no interest in annonymous coments that spout random hate (or bullshit, the guy who was all 'haha your mums poor' well, its not like i can help that so i have to just deal. but bullshit that your rich and light cigars with money. and you still have the time to dish on a highschool poet? ahahah as if).

before you write an annonymous comnet on a blog, trying to really hurt someone, you should take a look at yourself and ask why that is.

2006-06-06T10:19:00.000+10:00

remember how i said my mum was going to let me go to a concert? me alyson and harley have been talking and we think we'll go to hawthorne heights. i think there pretty much my fave band at the moment and i know it will be good, and theres a under 18 one, so yeah.

here are the lyrics to my favourite HH song at the moment.

"Pens And Needles"

I miss you most on winter mornings
as we drift we slip through evenings, whoa-oh
we drive into the cold and dark with fingers crossed
I follow your eyes to avoid from getting lost

And all I had was the memory of what was
so let's pretend it never mattered to us
I hope this message finds you well
Never thought I'd live to tell

Just to survive we do what we can
we read the maps and signs, and we make the plans
by our design I write it down to get me by
the worst time in my life

And all I had was the memory of what was
so let's pretend it never mattered to us
I hope this message finds you well
Never thought I'd live to tell
what's a dream and what is real,
the way I really feel

I hope this message finds you well
I never thought I'd live to tell
what's a dream and what is real?
So let's pretend this is the ending
(So let's pretend...[echo]) (this is the ending...[echo])
to the message I've been sending, sending
(to the message...[echo]) (I've been sending...[echo])

And all I had was the memory of what was
so let's pretend it never mattered to us
I hope this message finds you well
Never thought I'd live to tell
what's a dream and what is real,
the way I really feel

I hope this message finds you well
Never thought I'd live to tell
what's a dream and what is real,
the way I really feel

it just makes me feel so much, you know? i wish i was in a band like that.

the first time i listened to the album it was so beutiful i just started crying. and i thought i was home alone so i was in the lounge room on the big stereo. but i didn't hear my stepdad come in. he asked what was wrong and i turned away and said 'nothng' because he just wouldn't understand, you know? then he muttered under his breath something about becoming a man before they eat me alive in the real world. what the fuck ever just beacuse im in touch with my emotions? anyway its not like im going to end up being a tradie like a big tough plumber or anything. im going to go to uni. my cousin says they appretiate intellect there.

2006-05-29T13:15:00.000+10:00

no im not dead. i just havent had acess to a computer and i cant update this blog all the time, ok?

my mother isnt that rich and altho i told her i need the internet for school she sadi we cant afford it but at least we have an old pc so i can type up my assignments. it sux but i cant do anything about it.

so thats why i havent postend in a while. dickheads.

there are so much people who just hate. i hate mainstream, but these people hate the individual people out there, people just trying to be themselves. fuck them.

but yeah. im at alysons house at the moment. shes letting me use her internet because me and harley and her are hangin out at her house watching dvds. its a curriculum day. we might go hang out at greensborough plaza later, go to planet 13 and look around, but none of us have money so that sucks.

nothing really's been happening lately.
oh, except mum said that ive been helping out alot lately, so if i want to, next time theres a concert i really want to go to and its not too expensive, she'll give me the money to go! so thats fucken cool.

Alyson and harely are excited too. now we just have to find a cool underage gig to go to, and some clothes to wear. all my clothes are boring.

just really quick, heres a poem i wrote last night. its called wrong number.

im sitting in my room
alone except for my little brother
we sit in our shared room like castaways on a boat
his childs mind can be occupied with so many things
the coloring book on his lap crinkles
as he joins the dots, joins the dots.

my dots are disjointed
the boredom takes over
then the phone rings
my mother is gardening
my stepdad's at work
my sister is states away, like an iceberg broken away from the land

the phone rings
the possibilities of distraction
mount
up
who will it be? a friend? potential lover?
i run to the phone
my heart bursting with hope
i pick it up and say hello
it echoes

suddenly, a foregin voice
unknown
saying
'sorry, wrong number'
I go back to my room
there will be no distraction from the boredom tonight.

2006-05-08T13:53:00.000+10:00

there is so many fucken ideiots in the world. this anon person sent me a message. ill bold what he said and go thru it point by point.

haha. your life sux, hey, lets change it hey ?

Blog Entry Ala Emo Wanker
Today, my life sucked. My dad wouldn't let me have my own way. my teacher gave me a bad grade on my poetry cause it was crap and full of bad english. my life is so crap, im so sad, wah wah wah, i'm non-confirming, wah wah wah.

ok, first things first, this guy (or girl, ill say guy for the sake of argruement) can't read. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK KEITH IS MY FATHER? I KEEP SAYING STEPDAD, STEPDAD, STEPDAD ALL THE TIME. DONT YOU FUCKS KNOW HOW TO READ ENGLISH?

a father is someone who watches you grow up, who you have a bilogical attatchment to. keith is just some guy who my mum started going out with when my dad wasnt around. after six months he moved his stuff in and now hes been living in my house for over a year. did i have a say in it? no. did he watch me grow up? no. he probably doesnt even know my middle name.

OR:
Blog entry ala not-so-emo-wanker:
Today, my life was crappy. My dad wouldnt pay for me to go to a concert, so i decided to get a job and earn some money myself so i could go to teh concert. I'm amazed at how much more PURPOSE I have in life now.

this one people always say. like i havent tried getting a job. well heres some information for you: i typed up a resume to work at coles (with alyson, who said they had openings). i asked my mum if she could look at my resume and she and my stepdad both said, and this is a direct quote:

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GET A JOB UNTIL YOU FINISH SCHOOL. YOU HAVE TO FOCUSS ON SCHOOLWORK, NOT MAKING MONEY.

so they give me $10 a week pocket money and sometimes money for other things (not often, but sometimes for concerts or secial things once in a bluemoon) but that's nowhere near enough, even if i save up for a concert.

And I realise how hard my dad has to work to earn my money, and that it DOESN'T just grow in the backyard.

oh like i dont know that money doesnst grow on trees. i have to save up for three weeks to buy a dvd you fucker. anyway keith is a security gaurd so all he does is stand around all day, litteraly.

Because my teacher told me my last poem was crap, i wrote a new one, and because it wasn't bitching about how im so non-conforming, i got a better mark.

my english teachers allways have it in for me because i write dark poetry and not the usuall 'life is great' crap they can put in the school annual.

Also, I went out with some friends and had fun.

yeah, when i can aford to, or im not grounded.

say if im not grounded and i have like $20 or something, ill ask my mum if i can go out. usualy she'll let me go to the city or the movies in the day time or something or at burra plaza with harley and alyson, but if i want to go to a party at night i always have 20 questions and have to give the house number and get dropped off and then picked up at 1 am at the VERY latest (but usualy at like 11.30 or 12). and if i go to alyson or harleys on the weekend to sleep just to hang out they say they have to drop me off and have a 'chat' to their parents.

My life isn't so bad.

how the fuck would you know, you don't know me. and yes, yes, starving childeren in africa, people dying of cancer. that makes me feel more guilty, coz i supposedly have this really lucky life and im so unhappy. so fuck you.

2006-05-01T13:28:00.000+10:00

EMOCRACY!

we were learning about democracy and harley accidentally forgot to write the d in it when he was taking notes. we thought it was the coolest thing ever.

we showed alyson at lunch time and we said if we were gonna start a band itd be called that.

so many fucking assholes diss us for being emo. like sure, i know goths and punks had a hard time too, but we're like a new combination of both of them so we get it doubley hard. and i think a sideways fringe hairdo is about a zillion times less confrotitive than a green mohawk. and easier to do, haha.

im in a good mood today, well kind of. i dont care about any of you asshoels who say im not real. my authinticty is the most inportant thing i have, my ability to feel, be real and in the moment etc. and i know your just trying to get a rise out of me because of that. i think its just sad and pathetic. and youre all like 30 so yeah, trying to pick on a kid half your age? hah, whatever.

i think another reason im feeling better about it is that i wrote a poem about it for english last night. its due tomorrow.

so then you call me names, throw you're verbal sticks and stones
i feel the pain bounce off, it doesn;t break my bones
when i cut myself i bleed
you call it a sick deed
but you bleed to, we are the same
in humanity but not in name
i look beyond the mainstream filth
of whats expected of all your ilk
you just obey you dont ask why
yours is just to do and die.

i was gonna say mainstram shit, but its for english so i thought i better tone it down.

2006-04-27T14:26:00.000+10:00

i wish someone had of crusified me for easter. everthings so shit at the moment. but im spending more time in the computer room at school so hopefully ill be able to update this blog more now. like weekley or whatever.

ive been working on a poem, but its not ready to show yet.

2006-04-11T20:45:00.000+10:00

god im so fucken bored. like you know wen your so bored that you dont WANT to do anything?

i want to watch the simsons marathon thing on chanel ten, but my stepdad is in the loungeroom. hes watching the simsons, but im so fucking mad at him at the moment that i dont wanna go and watch it with him. and my mum is watching dancing with the stars in her room so i cant watch it in their.

if i laid on my bedroom floor with my head sticking out, i could look accross the hall at the loungeroom tv and see the screen, with my stepdad on the couch with his fat back to me so he wouldnt know. i watched the first episode like that, but in the break from the first and second epsiodes, he got up to get a drink and i wasnt expecting it and he caught me watching and laughed. he said why dont you just come and watch it like a normal person and i told him i hated him and slammed my bedroom door.

now im in the study and theres nothing to do. PLUS my little brother needs the computer and its his turn on it. so maybe ill just go to my room and do some writing.

2006-03-17T10:40:00.000+11:00

not last weekend the weekend before it was my stepdad's birthday.

he wanted it in our backyard, and to have a big one because hes like 40 now. like i care at all.

so he invited all is looser friends and my mums family but my cool cousin who goes to uni didnt come. it was going to be all old people, and like just hanging out outside and listening to shitty old fucking music like 'you can leave your hat on'.

then my stepdad said it was going to be a bbq and i said 'why are you being such an asshole you KNOW im vegeatarian' and he was like 'its my birthday and people like going to bbqs. i'll make you a vege burger' and i was all 'thats not the point dont be such a dick your going to be sencelessly killing all these animals for nthing' and the i kept hoping and hoping and hoping it would rain and his stupidass bbq would be totally a disaster.

and it did rain, and at first i was all happy, but then it just meant that they were all INside, and they got pizza and roast chicken instead, so i spent the night sitting on the roof freezing my ass off to get away from them, and noone even went to see if i was ok. THEN to make matters worse, we've STILL got all this meat in the freezer and they're having meat every night and i can't go to the freezer without having to see all these carcases of dead animals. it almost made me cry a little bit and then my stepdad told me to be a man. he's such a fucking asshole.

2006-03-15T19:24:00.000+11:00

sorry i havnt written in awhile. i feel like theres no point to anything. so ive written this poem. it's called 'no point to anything':

no point to anything

sitting in a dark room
looking out a window
i see a baby in a pram
the hope in its eyes warms me
the possibility of the world
in its new blue eyes
but then i see its mother
and her dark dead eyes
show me a wasted life
and i realise,
there's no point to anything.

i think its alot moodier and darker than alot of my other work. but yeah.

pretty soon ill tell you about my asshole stepdad's bitrhday party. it sucked.

2006-02-09T16:58:00.000+11:00

everythings so fucked up laely. alysons been sick, and shes been feeling really tired and stuff and shes scared she might ave glanduler fever or chronic fatuige syndrom or even some form of cancer, because her aunty died of cancer. and shes never sick so me and harley are both really worried.

shes still coming to school everyday, and mrs krive was such a bitch in class. alyson fell asleep and mrs krive yelled at her, and it was just too much. i stood up and said 'would it be so hard FOR YOU TO GROW A SOUL???' and walked out. but she got really mad and now ive got a detention and all the jocks keep laughing at me and fake-crying when i walk past. they're such assholes.

harley was talking about going to the coheed and cambria concert, but whats the point of going. whats the point of anything.

2006-01-20T12:32:00.000+11:00

the scratch on my arm

the blood prickles up to the surface
the pain is a reminder
of the darkness of my life

red words of anger
give way to grey bars of steel
spoken as an incarceration

the scratch never heels
because i pick away at the scab
i should just leave it alone

you were never on my side
you were never on my side
you were never on my side.

2006-01-17T21:35:00.000+11:00

ok so get this: i was nice to my stepdad for like, two days. well nearly three. i had dinner with the family and he only had to ask me once to wash up and i did it STRAIGHT AWAY even when we had pasta and their was heaps of dishes.

so then tonight i told him that one fo my faveorite bands was touring in a couple of months, and he said who and i said funeral for a friend. and i said itd be really really cool if i could go, it could be an early birthday presnt it would mean a lot to me? and he laughed and said i just had my birthday and i said i know and he said who was it again? i told him and he said it sounds like morbid wrist cutting band. and that we couldnt afford it at the moment coz he's not working right now coz hes got a sore back.

so he said no. and alyson and harley both said they were gonna go and now i cant and its just so unfair. so i told my little brother to crawl around under the house and explore and my stepdad couldn't find him and was all panicked and it was funny. but then my brother came out and he had some spiders on him and it was pretty gross so i told him to go take a bath.

anyway, here's a poem i was working on when i was in my room waiting for my stepdad to realise my little brother wasnt around:

The Cage of Youth

trapped in a ticking cage
the clock weakens the bars but not fast enough
not fast enough
the locked door only offers a window to the world outside
a world of freedom and happiness
the music calls me
voices laughing like breaking crystal,
like the breaking of my frozen tears
I await the day i have my key
the sliver of plastic, the key to freedom
with my picture on it my name and year of my birth
how i long for december 25 2008

trapped in a cage the outsiders peer in
and mock, 'these are the best days of your life'
but how? when I can't go out
can't listen to my music live
can't drink without derision
if these are the best years of my life
then i wish a rapid death by a quick hand upon me
and i shall brethe no more.

The cage is like me being 15, and the sliver of plastic is id, not an actual key.

also look at the FFAF website: http://www.funeralforafriendmusic.com/ its really fucken cool and has music too.

2006-01-09T22:00:00.000+11:00

what did every1 do for newyears? mine fucking sucked. i was meant to go to drink at the park with alyson and harley , but then harley got grounded and alyson was made to go up to the country with her parents for a big family thing.

i had to go to a family party too. it was my mum's cousin's new years eve party. i was allowed to have one glass of champane on midnight because im fifteen now. like big whoop a fucking glass of champane. so i had to spend the night talking with my aunties and uncles and cousins. some of my older cousins are kind of cool but they are all over 18 and were all drinking and smoking and stuff. one of them let me have a drag off her rolly which was cool. she goes to latrobe uni. uni sounds cool. they said they should sneak me alcohole but then my stepdad caught my other cousin giving me a drink of his beer and he flipped. so i couldnt do that anymore.

i cant wait til i turn 18 and can do shit with my friends on new years. mum said that if i want next year i can go to a friends party. i think she was feeling bad because i had to talk to the adults most of the night since my older cousins all dissappeared off somewere to smoke pot i think and my little brother was plying with our little cousins so i had noone. and all the adults were asking if i had a girlfrienda nd i said no and oneof my uncles said 'i hope your not a poof, ill take you to the massage parlors that'll set you straght!' he kind of scares me a little bit. he drives trucks interstate and lives in the country.

2005-12-22T12:32:00.000+11:00

you wont fucking believe this. last night i was talking about my birthday and my stepdad was all 'courtney this year your mother and i have decided to give you a joint birthday and christmas present'. it fucking sucks. my birthday is on christmas day and THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS. my mum always used to say that i was the best christmas present she ever got, but then a couple of years ago she got a juicemaker and she doesn't say that anymore.

so i turn 15 on christmas day, and i wanted to have a party or at least a birthday inner but everyones always busy. alyson and harley said they might try to come over on boxing day but i dont know, its not the same.

so i always get crappy christmas AND birthday presents, which soooo doesnt add up to two seperate presents. it fucking sucks.

here's a poem i wrote, that kind of is about that but also kind of about something else. i wrote it last night:

Seasonal Duality
competing with the season
is the reason for the pain
never given my chance to shine
the star on the tree is brighter than my need
so in the background i stay
like a forgotten gift touched upon once
then dismissed and forgotten
they see my pain as if its santa clause
disollutioned and fake
never given my chance to shine
like the christmas lights twinkling their lies
because another was born this day
thousands of years ago, well that is what they all say.
because of a lie i am overlooked
because of corperate greed i am overlook
because of consumerism i am overlooked
once more this season, i am overlooked.

fin.

note: i had a bit about christmas ham and turkey, because im a vegeatarian, but i cut it because i think it still needs some work and it was getting too long.

2005-12-19T11:25:00.000+11:00

my weekend sucked. harley and alyson both went to greenday and jimmy eat world and my chemical romance and i couldnt because i didnt get a ticket. my asshole stepdad told my mum that $91 was too much money for a ticket. i said what about getting one for my birthday and he was all 'is your birthday on the 17th?' (when the concert was) and i was all 'no but it can be an early birthday present' and he said no and that all the moshing might be dangrous and he's just such a dick.

so today alyson and harley were all like 'omg it was the coolest concert ever' and alyson kept saying billy joe looked really cute and they kept singing jimmy eat world songs and it made me so angry i said 'you guys are so fucking insensitive, you know how much i wanted to go' and i ran off to the toilet and stayed there for about ten minutes but i didnt have my ipod so i got kind of bored. but im still pretty angry at harley becuase he didnt come after me and see if i was ok. i spent the rest of the day avoiding them. if none of them call me tonight to see if im ok i'll wear a bandage on my wrist when i meet up with them tomorrow. sometimes i cut myself a little bit but oly on my arm, like not on my vains or anything. but its just a good way to get out some anger or depression or stuff.

so anyway my birthday is next week and i turn 15 but ill say more about that later. and im on school holidays now which is good but a little boring so far we'll see.

2005-12-12T13:00:00.000+11:00

Some people are such dicks. like i got these two coments on the weekend right, and they were both from anonomys chickenshit assholes. here's one:

perhaps you should spend some time talking to a counsellor instead of updating your blog

As if i need a councellor. like this one time i went to the schools councellor though because my best friend at the time had anerexia and also insomnia, and she kept telling me about it so i went to the councellor to see if they could talk to her.

our councellors name was mrs freeman. i think she was a lesbian but im not predjudiced. anyway she was kind of a bitch, and accused my friend of faking it, and said she wouldn't see her unless my friend went there herself. so i told my friend about it and she cried and then she didnt eat for like three days and didnt sleep either, she said. so that's what good councellor's do.

also, i dont have any problems so i dont need one. my life is shit because of school and my stepdad but there is nothing i can do about that. thats why i write my poetry, its like an outlet for my pain. it helps. my cousin who goes to uni said its called cathetersis.

so heres another coment:

Yo courtney..
why dont you have pictures of yourself on here...
not that i would think you are cute..just so next time i am near dangerfield and maybe see you buying the latest trend like a exploited t shirt i can laugh at you....
god i hope this page is a joke...seriously...stabidy stab stab stab???? pffff

what an asshole looser. like, i am going to get a picture of me as soon as alyson lets me use her dads digital camera and then i can get her to email me the picture. so i have a picture coming.

and the fact that i like dangerfeild shows that i am NOT being exploited by trends like those loosers who go to jay jays or jeans went or whatever.

dangerfield is alternative, it doesnt conform to the cookie cutter trends of all the fucking pop music wannabes and jocks out there. it is all for originality and celebrating different styles and stuff. they dont exploit body image like other place's, they are the one originel voice in fashion. that's why i shop there, asshole, its so i can be different to conformists like YOU.

2005-12-03T12:10:00.000+11:00

last night me harley and alyson were meant to go to harleys place and watch videos. but he got grounded coz mrs krive called his mum and told her he wagged last tuesday. so instead alyson and i bottleskimmed from her parents bar. its a good way to get drunk, like you fill up a water bottle with a little bit from each alcohole so they cant tell that bits are gone. so we filled up half a bottle and went for a walk to the park to drink it.

we got pretty drunk and i told her about this blog. when we got back to her place she had a look at it. she said it was pretty cool, but then she was all, 'but no one reads it and there arent any comments except from you're sister's slag friend so whats the point?' and i was all 'well it doesnt matter if people dont read it, anyway some people read it, and anyway its more just for me to get what i feel out there you know?' and she understood. so that was cool. but then my stepdad called her house and he was so pissed because i hadnt told him that i was sleeping over i just told him i was going out and he said your 14 you cant just go out whenever and i said im going to be 15 in less than a month and he said thats not the point and i said well what can you do? your not my real dad you cant ground me and he said yes i can come home right away and i said no but then alysons parents said theyd drive me home becase it was for the best. so i spent the night in me and my brothers room. luckily i sobered up by the time my stepdad called but hes just such a dick sometimes. now im grounded for the weekend but sucked in to him i got the last laugh anyway because i wasnt even doing anything this weekend anyway.

2005-11-30T10:01:00.000+11:00

Kiss And Makeup - Funeral For a Friend (from the 'four ways to scream your name' ep)

No matter where you go
They'll fucking tie you down
And bleed you from your wrists (bleed you from your wrists)
Well, it's better that we leave
Leave it this way (leave it this way)

And just to soften the blow
I'll steal all of your kisses (your kisses)
And sew them up
In the creases of our hearts.

No matter where you go
They'll fucking tie you down
And bleed you from your wrists (bleed you from your wrists)
Well, it's better that we leave
Leave it this way (leave it this way)

And just to soften the blow
I'll steal all of your kisses (your kisses)
And sew them up
In the creases of our hearts.
And just to soften the blow
I'll steal all of your kisses (your kisses)
And sew them up
In the creases of our

HEARTS [x2]
I never really loved you anyway.
HEARTS [x2]
I never really loved you anyway.
HEARTS [x2]
I never really loved you anyway.
HEARTS [x2]
I never really loved you anyway.

And on the one thing you betted on
Don't ever let them take you down.
Oh, on the one thing you betted on
Don't ever let them take you down.

this is one of my favourite FFAF songs. it's so real. i wish i was as goos a poet as him. Alyson once said i was, but she was drunk and harley laughed, so i don't know.

i want to start a band. harley's brother is teaching harley bass, and maybe i could learn bass too and we could get someone to play guitar. and we could just get a drum machine if we cant find a drumer. but id prefer to have a real drumer to keep the whole prosess oragnic, you know? i could write the lyrics, and i dont know who could sing. maybe i could but id have to only record it when im alone because i dont want harley laughing at me if i dont do it properly. when i was little mum put me in this choir thing so i know i can sing but you know, i want to find my original 'voice'. we'll see.

2005-11-25T23:39:00.000+11:00

well i just found out that my chemical romance at the hi fi is sold out. how much does that fucking suck? they're like one of my favourite bands ever. even tho it was over age harley said he knows this guy whos older brother does fake ids. that would be so cool. usually theres this iga thats about ten minutes from school by bus, and we go there (dump our school bags at the newsagents nextdoor) and they never ask for id when you by alcohole. and alyson works at a health food shop that sells herbal cigs so she steals us some. but we still cant get into over age concerts without id which fuckgin sucks because like, good bands play over age gigs. but it doesnt matter now because its fucking SOLD OUT. i cant wait til im 18. everything will be so much fucking better then.

2005-11-24T10:59:00.000+11:00

i was reading this site spin starts here that i found om my sister's friend's site. and usually its funny coz it like talks about australian idol and what corporate sellouts they are and stuff, but it also talks about politics which is kind of boring, because we are fucked either way yeah? but if i could vote id vote for the greens because im a vegitarian.

so anyway, this site is usually pretty funny, but this teacher got on this post and was all 'teachers only want what's best for you, they want to teach you and they're not lazy and they dont hate you' i mean, what bullshit is that? i work better with music, but mrs krive, my english teacher, wont let me wear my ipod mini in class. i said its a fashion thing i wont turn it on (haha) and she said no. she has this thing against me because i was saying how people who work in advertising are corporate scum that just perpergate a nation of fear and it turns out her husband works in advertising. so she's had it in for me. and we were talking about poetry and i said 'i write poetry' and she said, 'no, we're talking about real peotry like john donne and ts elliott'. and she's just such a bitch.

and i have plenty of lazy teahers. my maths teacher mrs innes was teaching us this thing, and i got distracted for like, mabey three seconds. MABEY. because harley was drawing a cool anime pic. and then she gave us these excersises to do and i was all 'mrs innes i don't know how to do it still' and she said 'well you should of been paying attention, im not going through it again' what a lazy bitch. so i ended up playing snake on my calculator for the rest of the class. hah!

2005-11-18T12:33:00.000+11:00

my religious studies teacher is such a dick. my school is anglican right, and i was all, 'anglicanism is a pagan religion! the king made up his own religion just so he could like get married multiple times and stuff. thats pagan' and he kicked me out of the class. what a dick. it was worth it though because alyson was wagging PE because she said she had a violn lesson even though she doesnt play violin. so we just hung out and talked about this party on saturday night. but i dont think im gonna go because i asked her what she was wearing and she said her black and white stripey top and i said thats what i wanted to wear (my one not hers lol) and then she said i should wear my afi hoodie and i said but harleys wearing his one and i have nothing to wear so i might not go. plus i need to buy more black hair die but my asshole stepdad said he wouldnt give me the money until i replace the towels i stained last time. so i dont know. we'll see.

2005-11-12T18:32:00.000+11:00

just another sheep in the heard

fleece silences your muffed protests to be different
this black sheep beaseeches you to follow
but not the heard.

ram's horn cuts into your sheep's soul
your metholated mind spills thoughts with the crowd
just like the rest but you could be something different if you tried

but are you that brave?
the sheep blend to make an ocean of woolwhite sameity
and with a bleat you join them

ive been working on writing poetry with a theme. i also have one about fire that i might put up here another time.

2005-11-06T00:34:00.000+11:00

untitled (WOODEN SOUL – The Grain Within)

I gaze into the pictures in the wood grain
I see my twisted gray wooden soul
The knots of sorrow don’t help my pain
Ageing angst fossils wood to coal

I wrote this poem today. I was really depressed becuse alyson and jordan wanted to go to dangerfield but i had no money so i asked my stepdad for $50 and he said what for and i said school stuff and he said your lying and i said FINE THEN ITS FOR CLOTHES ARE YOU HAPPY NOW and he said you already have enough clothes unless your going to rivers to buy some clothes that a boy would wear im not giving you a cent for your FAG CLOTHES and then i said WELL YOURE NOT MY REAL DAD ANY WAY and ran to me and my brothers room and ive stayed in here all day listening to my alien ant farm cd. i was pretty hungry so i got my brother to get me some food from the kitchen and i couldn't risk going to the bathroom in case my stepdad saw so i peed in this old coke bottle. imgoing to stay here all night. my stepdad is such a DICK.

2005-11-03T15:45:00.000+11:00

im so glad the year 12s are gone now. they were such dicks in their last weeks. we had muckup day and i walked into school ond one of the jock asshole dicks threw a flourbomb at me. and not only did it get my blazer and i had to wash my ramones badge, but also it got in my hair and id done it JUST right that morning so it completely covered my left eye but the flour and the hair wax made a kind of gluey mixture and i had to go to the sick bay and get the woman to scrub it off. after that my hair was all fluffy for the whole day and my friend harley kept laughing. i hate year 12s. there such dicks to us. i hope they all failed their exams and they go work in a bacon factroy.

2005-11-02T12:27:00.000+11:00

My Stabb'd soul

my stabb'd soul
like a crushed black rose
you'll never tell me you love me.

my stabb'd soul
the mirror shows my pain
pink ribbon scars always there

my stabb'd soul
you'll never even care
this stabb'd soul, was stabbed by you

Thats a poem ive been working on. i showed it to my friend alyson and she said i ripped off the pink ribbon scars bit from billy corgan. but i totally didnt.

2005-11-02T12:22:00.000+11:00

So i had a day off from school yesterday and my stepdad was all "come help me cook a barbique for cup day" he's such an asshole. he knows im vegetarian and that i think the melbourne cup is just cruel to all the horses. so i just walked off and then my little brother and i went and sat on the roof. and he was all "get off the roof" and i was all "you can't make me, you're not my real dad" and then he was like "well you're real dads in prison so im trying and im the best you've got". then he told mum and she started crying. hes such an asshole, man. i fucking hate my stepdad.